Morning.
Wow. Today's Prompt for 'Twas the Write Before Christmas has touched me in ways I did not expect. I am feeling overcome, with tears literally streaming down my face, for so many different reasons.
Happiness, beauty, dreams.
Regretful decisions.
I didn't expect this. I don't think I can put it into words right now. Perhaps not at all. I'm going to come back to this later and see what I can do.
But, before I go, here is today's prompt. Simply, a song. One I've heard many times before. This is my first time hearing this arrangement, and it is quite beautiful.
Afternoon. Okay, I feel a little more ready for this.
First.
Happiness, Beauty, Dreams.
I joined the school band when I was in sixth grade. I had taken piano lessons since the age of eight, but being a part of a musical group brings a whole new element. I had my part, they had their part, and together we brought the notes to create a symphonic melody. Music in of itself can evoke such emotion in me, but to actually be a part of the creation elates me. Happy, sad, strong, scared... no matter what you are feeling, it can be described and felt through music.
In eighth grade, I began playing the french horn, and I excelled in it. In addition to the band, I also became a part of the Orchestra Symphony and Marching Band. I auditioned for every All-County, All-District, All-State, all-everything... and always was admitted, always at the top. Music was my identity, it is who I was.
After high school, I entered the North Carolina School of the Arts, on a full music scholarship. Eighteen years old, living my dream... and I gave it up, dropped out. After one semester, for my loser boyfriend who gave me no support, both literally and emotionally.
Happiness. Beauty. Dreams. Dashed. I had someone tell me once that there are no regrets in life, only choices. This is one choice I wish I hadn't made.
Time to take another break. Perhaps I'll finish this story later.
Later.
Okay, so that's what this prompt initially inspires. The music is beyond beautiful... I'm hearing it come together. The instrumentalists are featured, the pianist is breathtaking, the violins are divine, the children singing are perfect, the words are so sweet. And all I can think of is this choice that made, half of my life ago... and where my life is today.
Because here again, I'm at a point of decisions and choices. The love of my life, the father of my two children, the man that I want to spend forever with... has decided that our family will be better in his hometown. I agree... yes! I do agree... but it is so difficult to uproot and go away from all that I know... my comfort zone, my hometown, my family.
Wow. I could go on and on, have this debate with myself... again.
How did this beautiful piece bring so much out of me? I guess because it reminds me of the regret that I have. For making the decision so long ago to leave my love... music. My passion. Performing. Music, it made me whole. A decision made half a life ago, and it still makes me sad. Of course, I could begin again. But life has gotten in the way.
Who can ever predict the evolution of the decisions of their life? I'm twice the age, theoretically twice as intelligent with experience to back me up... officially, way officially a grown up. Mother of two children. Old enough to make decisions and be accountable for them. Yet still afraid of the choices and where they'll take me, where I'll end up and if, one day, I'll have regret.
Well, enough of that. I'm going to listen to the music again. This time with my eyes closed and my mind clear. And I'm going to enjoy it for what it is.
A wonderful prayer for Peace on Earth.
Oh, it wrenched my heart to read how this affected you: I have times of looking back and feeling regret too, and it's certainly not a pleasant emotion. I'll be praying the Lord grants you peace, for decisions in the past, for a blessed life in the present, for anticipation of more to come.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Browsed through your Etsy shop -- you have some wonderful items!
ReplyDeleteThank you Lenae.
ReplyDeleteThis might have been too brutally honest... very raw and emotional.
I don't feel it this strongly very often, but when I do, it hits me hard.
I questioned myself in posting this (again, with the decisions!), it would have been much easier (and nicer) to post something feel-good and happy. But the challenge in these prompts, I think, is to take your first instinct and go with it, and that's what I did.
And we move on. I'm looking forward to Day 4.
I have to tell you -- music does the same for me. It stirs my soul, my heart in ways I cannot even describe. It moves me to places nothing else ever could. I very much identify with the intense feelings sparked by the Casting Crown song.
ReplyDeleteI pray you have peace in your decision to move. I hope it becomes clear as day to you.
Thank you for sharing such an intimate look into your heart with us.
Music has always brought up strong feelings in me too, it's like it speaks to a deep hidden place that nothing else can reach. I hope that you can find peace on earth in whatever descision you end up making.
ReplyDeleteI just feel like reaching across the wires and giving you a hug of encouragement -- to be taken however you need it. I think these regrets can be crippling at times, and never more so than when our emotions are frayed, as yours are now with this anticipated move.
ReplyDeletePeace, friend! I wish you peace and light and comfort!
While I am not gifted in music, I feel a deep connection to it - and various songs can evoke such emotion in me. My heart was heavy for you as you shared your regret in leaving your "first love". I am sending your virtual hugs and a prayer that you find peace with that long ago choice.
ReplyDelete